Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I never saw it coming. Seriously. I was clueless. And then, there it was. My "on" button was pressed. And I lit up.

My initial reaction to someone's sexual interest in me was "What??? Wait. Not a good idea. We're not doing this" and finally "I don't do this anymore." Which is to say I don't go from no hint of sexual interest to sliding into bed in a few moments time. But the overture felt fantastic.

A week later I still have a spring in my step. I'm taller. I feel vibrant. I feel more complete. Which is interesting because I did not feel less than complete before. I often say to friends that I am content and not looking for a relationship at all. In fact I have expressed a lot of doubt as to whether I still have the ability to share my life intimately with someone. I like having everything in my space and on my schedule arranged according to my desires. Yet I have known in the back of my mind that if someone wonderful and companionable came along I would probably open to possibility.

I wasn't looking. And this person wasn't looking for much from me. He just wanted some fun. I felt pretty sure that if I tried to "just have fun" I would end up feeling badly about it afterward. So I called the game on account of maturity. And yet...

It's been a wild week of internal questioning and responding to this reanimation. I cannot deny, and have been fascinated by, how alive I feel, how complete, how much more myself. So finally tonight I went on EHarmony's site and filled out the interminable questionnaire and perused my "matches." Not one felt right. I'm not terribly disappointed or surprised at all. I've tried that in the past with similar results. I'm not desperately driven to find a partner but my spark is not extinguished either.

With any luck I will remain reanimated. I don't think it served me well to tamp down my natural sensual nature. This feels much more like who I am. And after a week I'm getting more comfortable living in this state of being again.

What I've learned about myself over time has not vanished. I am who I am, who I've worked hard to become, but I do feel more open, more whole. I am grateful to feel more alive.

Update:  26 November 2010
15 months after this post I find that that experience, that reanimation, continues. I've come to realize I would very much like a partner and I have no doubt now that I will be open to making a life with someone if I'm lucky enough to find a good match. Sometimes it's hard to keep hoping for that, but I find that I can't stop hoping, either.

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